Come to the Dark Side
by Fanghur
Summary: A collection of totally random oneshots that I got ideas for mostly from random conversations with my friends. Rated for language, slightly mature stuff, like drugs, and other stuff. Reviews welcome.
1. Come to the Dark Side! We have Crack!

Come to the Dark Side, we Have Crack!

Voldemort was sitting in his throne like chair, looking over his gathered minions. "Tonight," he said. "We will celebrate the death of the Light's leader, Albus Dumbledore!" The Death Eaters, all in their black robes and white masks, cheered. "I also have a little gift for all of you," he said, and Wormtail, who was waiting for this cue, whipped a cloth off of a table filled with bags of white powder.

"Uh, my Lord, do you really think that this is a good idea? The last time, you did lose your nose, after all," Lucius Malfoy asked.

"Silence! I went through a lot of trouble for this, Lucius, so I suggest you enjoy it," Voldemort threatened. Lucius gulped, and lead his son to the table.

_Flashback!_

At another Death Eater meeting, Voldemort and his loyal followers were sniffing cocaine.

"Ahhh," Voldemort sighed, before a searing pain penetrated his nostrils. After flailing around for a while, he blacked out.

_Later_

The Darkest Lord of all time groaned, and opened his eyes to a white room and the pale, tense face of Narcissa Malfoy.

"What happened?" Voldemort asked.

"We-well, my Lord, you, uh, sort of overdosed, and your nose…" she trailed off.

"What?" Voldemort demanded, noticing how his voice seemed very pinched.

"Your nose, well, had to be…cut off," Narcissa said very quietly. "Someone used a Dark curse because it was burning you, and, so…" she handed him a mirror. Voldemort took a long look at his new face,

"Crucio."

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

_End Flashback_

The Death Eaters and their leader were enjoying themselves, under the influence of crack cocaine, when a raven headed, bespectacled face with a lightning scar over his bright green eye.

"Uh, guys, I don't think we have to worry about secrecy," he told his companions. A gangly red head and a bushy haired girl followed him into the room, unheeded by the assembly of their foes that they passed, even when they elbowed them aside.

They walked up to the master of the Dark Side, to find him sprawled out over his ornamental, oversized chair.

"Uh, should we check for a pulse?" the girl asked. The ginger held his fingers to the artery in Voldemort's neck, checking for a heartbeat.

"Nothing. He's dead."

"So, now what?" the black haired individual asked.

The bushy haired girl looked around them at the wasted Death Eaters. "Join the party?" she suggested. Her male companions gave each other grins.

"Alright!" they said, and that is how Harry Potter and his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, symbols of the Light Side after Dumbledore's death, joined the Dark Side. Also how Voldemort died from overdosing, which is how he lost his nose.


	2. Hairball!

**Hairball!**

_Second year_

Hermione was in the Hospital Wing after the Polyjuice Potion incident, still looking like a cat.

"How are you doing?" Harry Potter, one of her best friends, asked.

"Pretty good, aside from the tail," she answered. Ron dumped the homework assignments for the day on her bedside table.

"Yeah, that must suck," Harry remarked.

"So, what's going on?" Hermione asked, before coughing.

"Are you alright?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, just a tickle in my throat," she answered.

"Well, nothing really happened. Everyone thinks you were attacked, but what else did you expect?" Harry said, trying to put a slightly lighter mood at the end. Hermione started coughing again, more violently than before.

"Hermione?" Harry tried to make sure she was alright.

_Outside the Hospital Wing_

"Well, Fred, do you think we should see how dear Hermione is doing?" George Weasley asked his twin.

*Hack, hack!* they heard from inside the Hospital Wing.

"EEEEWWWWWW! That's disgusting!"

"Oh, shut up!" *Whack!*

"Ow!"

Fred and George looked at each other. "Maybe later," he said, and they turned around, walking quickly in the opposite direction.

_Inside again_

"Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Yes?"

"You do realise that this is blackmail material, right?" the boy pointed at the ball of gooey fur siting in the girls' lap.

"Harry, if you ever tell anyone I coughed up a hairball, and you too, Ron, you will both wish you were never born," the Gryffindor bookworm threatened, making her friends gulp.

"Granger coughed up a hairball!" Malfoy yelled out, laughing. He started to run for the doors, but Hermione booked it after him, murder in her eyes.

"Why was he in here?" Harry asked Ron while their feline looking friend was hog-tying Malfoy.

"Uh, I think he came in because of a cold," Ron answered as Hermione was dragging the screaming Slytherin out of the room.

"Remind me to never get on her bad side," Harry said. They both heard screaming in the distance, and saw Malfoy swinging by the nearest window, hanging by a rope tied around his ankles.

"Right, can do." Ron said, and then the Giant Squid ate Colin Creevy, but no one missed him. They just said he was petrified.

The End!


End file.
